EEELVES!!!

It's time to lay the smackdown on some of Cadbury's most sinister creations - the Cadbury Magical Elves. Who they, you ask? What that? Where find? Find is after the jump. You have nothing to lose but your sleep!

So. The Cadbury Elves are eight happy-go-lucky, forever-friends sprites, dedicated to aiding Santa and filling the mouths of children with chocolate and popping candy. Each little bar is a different elf, and inside is a Freddo-style choc mini-slab studded with popping candy. In fact, they're pretty much your only big-brand source of popping candy. Which is odd, when you think about it, given that it's like sex in the mouth. Only not like that, pervert.


What's much odder are the eight elves themselves (six of which are shown above, although the chocolate inside is identical). Why are they named after really obscure minerals, like Wulfenite, Sunstone and Peridot? And who on earth decided that they should have different-coloured eyes? It's like looking at a group of stunted, leering David Bowies. The Magical Elves are terrifying. Not officially acknowledged on the main Cadbury website, they form a sort of Elven Underground all on their own. Although they were genetically engineered for Christmas, you can find them in disreputable newsagents still, huddling around the sherbet dipdabs and supersour Chav sweets.


Tasty as they are, the Cadbury Elves have been responsible for too much of this sort of thing:
“Billy, go back to sleep.”
“But mum, I had that dream about the Cadbury Elves again. Their hideous bicoloured eyes were gleaming, and they giggled “WE DONE AWAY WITH YER PARENTS, SONNY!” Then they shrieked like banshees and tried to jump into bed with me, their tiny, cold hands skittering like cockroaches under the duvet.”
“No more popping candy for you, Billy. Just Ritalin from now on.”

Want more elvishness? Click here for a random Canadian Cadbury's site full of wallpapers, character profiles and, sadly, more.

Well, that's all there is to say about the elves for today so... wait a minute, one of the lovable scamps has clambered on to my knee. What's that, Feldspar? Major Tom's a junkie? You little scamp! Stay away, Feldspar! Not my eyes! AAAAARGH!