Belvita Breakfast Biscuits: Lisa Snowdon's Terrifying Future-food

"What have you invented now, Dr. Mutato-stein?"
"My finest work! A last electrode here - the stem cells inserted into the spider chamber - and then - yes - a biscuit one consumes for breakfast! Yaha - yahahahahaHAAAAAA!"
(Seconds later, Dr Mutato-stein's castle was stormed by superstitious peasants who cut off his generative organs for doing ''t'devil's work'.)

This, anyway, seems to be Kraft Food's reasoning behind the advertising for the Belvita Breakfast Biscuit. Oh God! It's a new paradigm in biscuitology! The masses will go revolt over this! We must soft-pedal! Hence the hand-holding ad with Johnny Vaughan and Lisa Snowdon. The reasoning behind the ads is fine: take a couple of fun, bouncy morning-related radio celebs and show them bantering over an innocent morning biscuit, so suddenly it's not so scary any more.

The result, however, is a suicide pill in TV form.

By a quirk of the lighting, the setting appears to be the grey dawn after a volcanic ash explosion. Befuddled, vaguely panda-like Lisa Snowdon posts a biscuit into her mouth, prompting suddenly-curmudgeonly Johnny Vaughan to pour scorn on her breakfast folly while trying to splodge ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

"What next? Marmalade for lunch?" he spits, with radioactive levels of contempt.

This is the thing: Johnny Vaughan has been made, for some reason, into a kind of morning antichrist. We can tell he hates the world and Lisa Snowdown and her breakfast biscuits almost as much as he loathes himself. The only explanation is that Mike Leigh has taken to directing biscuit ads. Or maybe Lars Von Trier. You see, there's no closure with this ad. Vaughan doesn't come round to, you know, liking the product. There's no happy ending, not in Belvita-land. He splurts ketchup all over himself, causing a kind of hate-spasm. Lisa's too scared to laugh. And it ends. Oh God.

The feeling we're left with is not that we should eat Belvita Breakfast Biscuits. It's the feeling that when the advert is over, Johnny Vaughn will cut her.

Oh, what are the biscuits like? Yeah, alright, 7/10. Milk and cereal's better. The Fruit and Fibre ones seem to be studded with shot pellets, like a freshly caught grouse.